ABQ JCC: No More Bomb Threats

Our Options Have Changed: As we are all aware, another series of Jewish Community Centers across the country received bomb threats last Monday. Presidents Day. Go figure.

Albuquerque police officers help evacuate the Jewish Community Center
Monday. (Roberto E. Rosales/Journal)

As Nicole Perez reported in the Albuquerque Journal:

Albuquerque’s Jewish Community Center on Monday went through what’s becoming a familiar routine. 

Someone called the center around 9:30 a.m. with a disguised voice claiming there was a bomb in the building. About 150 people evacuated immediately, and officers and police dogs did a sweep. 

An hour and a half later, it was business as usual.

Abq Jew feels, as he is sure you do -

These bomb threats must stop!

Abq Jew "spoke" with Dave Simon, Executive Director of the Albuquerque JCC, about how he plans to thwart these, alas, ongoing bomb threats.

"Our first thought," said Mr Simon, "was to move the JCC - at least temporarily - to the Trump Hotel Albuquerque. We figured we'd be relatively safe there, especially when @POTUS is in town."

But Mr Simon soon discovered that Trump Enterprises has no physical edifices (which is to say, hotels, casinos, resorts, or office buildings) in New Mexico.

Hence, there is no Trump Hotel Albuquerque.
And @POTUS is not expected to visit anytime soon.

Moreover, @POTUS's plans for a border wall with Mexico remain highly suspect. On which side of the border do you think @POTUS will place us?

What to do?

"We decided to use the latest technology available," said Mr Simon.

Here's how it works.

The JCC simply added "Option 9" to their menu of telephone instructions.

If you would like to leave a bomb threat, please press 9.

When the caller presses 9 and is transferred, he is warmly welcomed with the entire Philip Glass soundtrack of the 1982 blockbuster Koyaanisqatsi - all 76 minutes and 21 seconds.

Every few minutes, the system announces the caller's place in the queue.

Your bomb threat is number 109 ...
Your bomb threat is number 108 ...
Your bomb threat is number 107 ...

Please hold.

And whenever the telephone's sophisticated software signals that the caller is about to hang up, the system reminds him that

Here's the clincher: As soon as the system announces

Your bomb threat is number 1 ...

Or, to be more precise: the system disconnects the caller.

Said Mr Simon,

"This is bound to stop them. And they won't call back!"

Oh - in case you're wondering -