Bob Newhart Dies at 94

Your Father's Accountant: No, Bob Newhart, now of blessed memory, was not your father's accountant, nor was he Abq Jew's father's accountant. But he could have been, even though he was not a MOT.

He was not an accountant - because, he explained, when working as such after his US Army service in the Korean War, his motto, 

"That's close enough" 

and his habit of adjusting petty cash imbalances with his own money showed that he lacked the proper temperament.

Nor did he become a lawyer - because, he explained, he had been asked to "behave unethically" during a college internship.

Anyway - Bob Newhart eventually became a comedian, known for his deadpan and stammering delivery style. And, of course, for his routines involved hearing half of a conversation as he spoke to someone on the phone.

Here, to preserve his memory. are three (3) of Bob Newhart's best, as previously reported in this very Abq Jew Blog.

1. USS Codfish (March 2019's Wherever You Go)

The monologue sorta begins: 

Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones... in some cases your wives... but we have a few moments before we surface and I've just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn't take the time if I didn't. 

First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they've done. So, if you men want to stand now and let's really hear it for the cooks. 

I don't think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to... uh... you men want to stand now for the cooks ? 

Come on now men, let's let by-gones be by-gones and let's hear it for the cooks, huh?  

Look men, I'm not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!  

Alright, that is a little better ...

You can watch the entire monologue right here. You're welcome!

2. Moo Goo Gai Pan (November 2011's Moo Goo Gai Pan)

The episode starts when Bob balks at going to spend the holiday with Emily's family at a reunion.  He'd rather stay home, he insists.

But Bob's loneliness gets the better of him, and he spends Turkey Day with Howard, Jerry, and even Mr. Carlin - drinking, watching football, drinking, avoiding playing games, and drinking.  Their drunkenness culminates with a now classic scene in which Bob stammers his way though placing a phone order for Chinese food.

If you're so old that you can't remember, or if you came of age after The Bob Newhart Show, this interview with Bob about Moo Goo Gai Pan sets up the scene (and gives some of it away).

So, here is the scene that even TV critics say may be the best American sitcom scene ever.  

3. Bob Hartley's Dream (January 2021's The End of a Very Bad Dream)

It has recently come to Abq Jew's attention that some people - even people of a certain age - have no remembrance of this dream at all. You need a background in sit-com history to fully appreciate this. So here goes.

The Bob Newhart Show

The Bob Newhart Show is an American sitcom television series that aired on CBS from September 16, 1972, to April 1, 1978.

The show centers on Robert "Bob" Hartley, Ph.D. (Newhart), a Chicago psychologist. Most activity occurs between his work and home life, with his supportive, although occasionally sarcastic, wife Emily (Suzanne Pleshette), and their friendly but pesty neighbor, airline navigator Howard Borden (Bill Daily). 

The medical building where Bob's psychology practice is located also houses Jerry Robinson, D.D.S. (Peter Bonerz), an orthodontist whose office is on the same floor, and their receptionist, Carol Kester (Marcia Wallace), as well as a number of other somewhat eccentric doctors who appear occasionally.

Newhart

Newhart is an American sitcom television series that aired on CBS from October 25, 1982, to May 21, 1990. 

The series stars Bob Newhart and Mary Frann as an author and his wife, respectively, who own and operate an inn in a small, rural Vermont town that is home to many eccentric characters. 

TV Guide, TV Land, and A&E named the Newhart series finale as one of the most memorable in television history.

Newhart Series Finale

The series finale of Newhart, titled "The Last Newhart", has been described as one of the most memorable in television history.

The entire town is purchased by a visiting Japanese tycoon, who turns the hamlet into an enormous golf course and recreation resort. Dick and Joanna are the only townspeople who refuse to leave. The others accept million-dollar payoffs and leave in a farewell scene that parodies Fiddler on the Roof.

Five years later, Dick and Joanna continue to run the Stratford Inn, which is now located in the middle of the golf course. The other townspeople, now richer and older, unexpectedly return for a reunion. 

The Darryl brothers also speak for the first time on screen, loudly yelling "Quiet!" at their wives in unison. Dick gets frustrated with the increasingly chaotic scene, and storms out shouting "You're all crazy!", only to be knocked out by an errantly struck golf ball.

The Last Scene

The setting of the last scene is nighttime, in the bedroom of Dr. Bob Hartley (The Bob Newhart Show; see above) and his wife Emily (Suzanne Pleshette). 

Bob awakens, upset, and he wakes Emily to tell her about the very strange dream he has just had: that he was an innkeeper in a small Vermont town filled with eccentric characters and married to a beautiful blonde. 

Emily (slightly upset about hearing Bob's dream dalliance with "a beautiful blonde") tells him "that settles it—no more Japanese food before bed."

Here is the long (10:32) version of that Finale.

But if you just want The Last Scene, here is the short (2:39) version.

So what have learned today?

Our House

Is A Very, Very Very Fine House: Surely you, Abq Jew's loyal readers, will remember November 2023, when (see At the End of the Rainbow) Mr & Mrs Abq Jew were "thrilled, thrilled" to announce the marriage of their wonderful daughter Alex to the equally wonderful Jake.

Well, here is another significant milestone for Mr & Mrs Abq Jew to announce: The aforementioned Alex and Jake (with their cats Simantov and Mazeltov) have, Ken O'Hara, taken possession of (that is, purchased and moved into) their new home.

To celebrate this happy event, here is a song that Abq Jew wishes he could claim that he wrote just for them. But he didn't. Graham Nash, as it turns out, did. And he wrote it for Joni Mitchell, after they returned from food shopping one day at the farmer's market. Crosby Stills Nash & Young first recorded it for their 1970 album Deja Vu.

I'll light the fire

You place the flowers in the vase

That you bought today

Staring at the fire

For hours and hours while I listen to you

Play your love songs all night long for me

Only for me

Come to me now

And rest your head for just five minutes

Everything is done

Such a cozy room

The windows are illuminated

By the evening sunshine through them

Fiery gems for you, only for you

Our house is a very, very, very fine house

With two cats in the yard

Life used to be so hard

Now everything is easy 'cause of you

I'll light the fire

While you place the flowers in the vase

That you bought today

It should be noted (and therefore Abq Jew will so note) that "Our House" was not Graham Nash's house. It was, per JoniMitchell.com, Joni Mitchell's house.

Joni bought the little house at 8217 Lookout Mountain in the Spring of 1968 with the royalties from her first album, SONG TO A SEAGULL. She met Graham Nash, who was visiting from the UK with his band, The Hollies, shortly after she purchased it, and by July they were living there together. 

Joni's house soon became THE place where Laurel Canyon-dwelling musicians hung out (when David Crosby and Stephen Stills dropped by one night, Crosby, Stills and Nash was born.)

As you will of course recall (see December 2021's Joseph Dreams ... Of Real Estate if you do not), Abq Jew, a true son of California, is fascinated by the Golden State's real estate market.

So Abq Jew looked up the 8217 Lookout Mountain address on Zillow.com. And learned that this 1,830 square foot single family home, built in 1910, currently has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. 

This property is not currently for sale or for rent on Zillow. However - today's Zestimate for this off-market house is

$1,743,600

The house's value has likely appreciated somewhat since it was built, and perhaps even since Joni Mitchell bought it.

We have wandered off the edge of the map. What do we care about house prices in California? Abq Jew forgot to mention - the new home is in

Rhode Island. The Ocean State.

That's important, for two reasons. First of all - that's where a lot of Jake's family is, and that's where Jake & Alex have been dreaming of and planning for. The cats, maybe not so much. Simantov & Mazeltov!

And then - this marks a sharp turning point in our family history.

After a century, Mr & Mrs Abq Jew no longer have close family who live in New York City or in New York State.

This may not have the world-wide repercussions of the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn - but it's still a very new feeling. 

So Abq Jew marked the occasion with a new tee shirt.

Your Ten Commandments

Where We Left Off: But all of a sudden (see June's Religious Freedom? Meh.), everyone's talking about The Ten Commandments. No, not the 1956 Cecile B DeMille movie starring Moses as Charlton Heston. But rather HB71, the very new law in the State of Louisiana. The Pelican State.

So. Abq Jew must ask (he must! he must!)

Well, there's plenty wrong with this picture. More than you can shake a red stick at (looking at you, Baton Rouge!).

First of all - what this picture shows are not The Ten Commandments. What they are are first-two-word mnemonic devices that help us remember the complete text of The Ten Commandments. You know - reminders.

Second - The Ten Commandments present an incomplete picture of the mitzvot (requirements) that The Holy One, Blessed Be He, has placed upon his people Israel (and not on anybody else).

There are, in fact 613 (תריג) of these mitzvot: 248 positive (DO) mitzvot, corresponding to the number of parts in the human body; and 365 negative (DON'T) mitzvot, corresponding to the number of days in a calendar year.

It will come as no surprise to you, Abq Jew's loyal readers, that there is no agreement about just what these 613 mitzvot are. However, we (as usual) defer to the opinion of Maimonides, who enumerated them in his magnum opus, the Mishneh Torah.

For example:

 1. To know there is a G‑d—Exodus 20:2

81. To put a Mezuzah on each door post—Deuteronomy 6:9

250. To give charity—Deuteronomy 15:11

You know - the mitzvot we Jews all know and love. 

 It should be noted that 

To place the entire federal bureaucracy, including independent agencies such as the Department of Justice, under direct presidential control.

is one small part of the far-right's Project 2025, about which much hullabaloo has been and needs to continue to be made. It is not one of the 613.

It should also be noted that

444. Carry out the procedure of the Red Heifer—Numbers 19:9

about which we Jews will have the honor of reading (see June 2014's OMG THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO Statutes and Ordinances) this coming Shabbat, is most definitely one of the 613. 

A third thing wrong with our image of The Ten Commandments above is that it's written in Ktav Ashurit, aka Modern Hebrew lettering. We'll get to that.

But at least it's in Hebrew, the language in which The Ten Commandments were first published. Louisiana's HB71, on the other hand, provdes the exact words that must be posted in every classroom. 

NOTE: They're in English. They are, and Abq Jew quotes:

The Ten Commandments

I AM the LORD thy God.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven images.

Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cattle, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.

Abq Jew hereby reminds us all that all translation is interpretation. This translation, moreover, does not appear to correspond to any known Jewish (ie, JPS) or Christian (ie, KJV) version of The Ten Commandments. 

Where did it come from?, lawsuits ask.

It almost goes without mentioning that The Ten Commandments proclaimed in the Book of Exodus is different from The Ten Commandments recorded in the Book of Deuteronomy. Hence

the verse in the Kabbalat Shabbat hymn Lekha Dodi. But then -

And let's talk about Hebrew script. Chabad asks What Is the Authentic Ancient Hebrew Alphabet? and provides a long, detailed answer to this question. 

But Abq Jew is gonna stick with the Aish Rabbi Dovid Rosenfeld, who provides a simpler account of 

Ancient versus Modern Hebrew Script

It’s known that the ancient Israelites wrote in a totally different script of Hebrew than the one used today. Wouldn’t the earlier one have been the original script of Hebrew – the one the Torah was given in? If so, how could it have been changed later? 

On the one hand, we are so concerned that a Torah scroll be written perfectly, with perfectly-formed letters. But on the other, the letters would seem to have no sanctity! 

They are just an adopted script from later on in our history!

The Aish Rabbi Replies

It’s a very important issue. You are quite right that ancient Hebrew was written in a completely different script from modern. 

 

This ancient script is known as Ktav Ivri or the Paleo-Hebrew alphabet. It resembles the Phoenician alphabet of the time. 

The modern one is known as Ktav Ashurit – literally, the Assyrian script. It closely resembles the ancient Aramaic alphabet and became adopted by the Jews shortly after they were exiled to Babylonia after the destruction of the First Temple. 

The two alphabets have identical letters and bear some resemblance, but are quite distinct.

All of the older archeological finds of written Hebrew were in this ancient script, while from around the 5th century BCE, with the return of many Jews from Persia, the newer script became common. 

Even at that point Ktav Ivri still continued to be used. Coins have been discovered from as late as the Bar Kokhba rebellion (132-36 CE) with Ktav Ivri inscriptions.

All of this begs the question you raised. Does this mean the script of the Torah itself changed? If the “proper” and original script of Hebrew is Ktav Ivri, how could later generations begin using a different script, changing the form of the Torah itself?

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 21b-22a) addresses this issue and explains that it was done through Divine sanction. 

In Deut. 17: 18, the Torah instructs that a Jewish king must write for himself a “copy of the Torah” (mishnei hatorah) which can equally be translated “a changed Torah.” From this the Sages saw an allusion to the fact that the text of the Torah scroll would eventually change.

Likewise, the Book of Ezra (4:7) refers to a letter the Jews of Israel wrote to the Persian king Artachshasta (Artaxerxes) in a “changed script” – written in Aramaic with Aramaic characters. From this the Sages likewise deduce that the script of the Jews had officially changed (to the Assyrian script, nearly identical to the Aramaic).

In fact, as the Talmud points out, this is perhaps the reason why shortly beforehand, when the famous “writing on the wall” appeared in Belshazzar’s palace on the fateful night of his death (Daniel 5), no one was able to interpret it, although no doubt many Jews were present. 

The message was written in Assyrian Hebrew, which not even the Jews could make out – until Daniel interpreted it with Divine inspiration. 

This was the point in time in which God officially sanctioned that Hebrew would now be written in a different script.

All of which raises the question -  

 

Is this photo accurate? 

Our Wise Men, Of Blessed Memory - well, they just were not sure. 

But there is one opinion in the Talmud that the Hebrew script never changed – meaning, that although Ktav Ivri was in common use among the people, Ktav Ashurit was always used for sacred purposes.

Some Rabbis claim that all opinions agree that the Ten Commandments and possibly the original Torah of Moses were written in the Assyrian script.

And the Aish Rabbi concludes:

I should add finally that in truth the whole issue is not really problematic since by the letter of the law, a Torah may be written in Greek (and according to one opinion in any language) (Talmud Megillah 8b). 

Thus, the change from one script of Hebrew to another was not technically forbidden – although clearly Ezra would not have taken it upon himself to institute so drastic a change without the Torah’s approval (Rashba and Ritva to Megillah 2b).

The State of Oklahoma is about to get involved.
The Sooner State.

Kinky Friedman Dies at 79

The Texas Jewboy: By now, Abq Jew is sure that you, his loyal readers, have heard the sad, sad news: Kinky Friedman has died. 

Abq Jew is taking Kinky's death personally, although he followed neither Kinky's life nor his lifestyle closely.

And Abq Jew must admit that he only met The Kinkster once - see November 2014's An Evening with Kinky Friedman, announcing and providing background for Kinky's visit to the Alberquerque JCC that December.

Nevertheless, Abq Jew has tried hard, over the years, to emulate Kinky's reverent-but-irreverent Jewish spirit.

Wikipedia (of course) outlines Kinky's life story. Rolling Stone, The New York Times, the New York Post, and countless others have provided obituaries and reminicences. 

However. Here is the beginning of Andrew Silow-Carroll's, writing for the JTA. Abq Jew urges you, his loyal readers, to click here and read the whole thing. It's a great story.

Kinky Friedman, singer and novelist who fronted The Texas Jewboys, dies at 79

Kinky Friedman, the cigar-chomping, mustachioed Texan country singer and mystery novelist whose body of work often seemed like the un-kosher marriage of the Borscht Belt and the Bible Belt, died June 27 from complications of Parkinson’s disease. He was 79.

As frontman for the flamboyant 1970s country group Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys, he was notorious for satirical songs such as “They [Ain't Makin'] Jews Like Jesus Anymore,” a raucous sendup of racism,

and “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in Bed,” which poked fun at feminism.

He could also turn serious, with songs dealing with social issues such as abortion and commercialism. His 1973 song “Ride ’em Jewboy” is a haunting elegy on the Holocaust, recorded by Willie Nelson and sung in concert by Bob Dylan. The lyrics transform cowboy cliches into a rumination on Hitler’s victims:

Now the smoke from camps a-rising

See the helpless creatures on their way

Hey, old pal, ain’t it surprising

How far you can go before you stay?

Religious Freedom? Meh.

The Pastafarian Tradition: Just like you, Abq Jew has been watching the news this week. There has been a lot of news, and some of it has been bad. But some of it has been good! 

Abq Jew is eager to tell you about it. But first -

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

During his years at The Jewish Theological Seminary of America (see Wanna Be A Rabbi? and Rabbi School Dropout) AND during his subsequent years studying the religious traditions of the world, Abq Jew not once (to his failing memory) encountered the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

You know - the Pastafarians.

Wikipedia succinctly explains:

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is the deity of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Pastafarianism (a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarian), a social movement that promotes a light-hearted view of religion and opposes the teaching of intelligent design and creationism in public schools. 

Although adherents describe Pastafarianism as a genuine religion, it is generally seen by the media as a parody religion.

And the media - what do they know about religious truth? (Or any truth, for that matter.) Wikipedia continues:

The "Flying Spaghetti Monster" was first described in a satirical open letter written by Bobby Henderson in 2005 to protest the Kansas State Board of Education decision to permit teaching intelligent design as an alternative to evolution in public school science classes.\ 

In that letter, Henderson satirized creationism by professing his belief that whenever a scientist carbon-dates an object, a supernatural creator that closely resembles spaghetti and meatballs is there "changing the results with His Noodly Appendage."

Henderson argued that his beliefs were just as valid as intelligent design, and called for equal time in science classrooms alongside intelligent design and evolution. 

After Henderson published the letter on his website, the Flying Spaghetti Monster rapidly became an Internet phenomenon and a symbol of opposition to the teaching of intelligent design in public schools. 

Lindsay Miller of Lowell, Mass.

Which brings us to Lindsay Miller of Lowell, Mass. - a courageous Pastafiarian who years ago insisted upon and achieved her right to be photographed for her Massachusetts driver's license with a colander (that's a spaghetti strainer, by the way) on her head.

Ms Miller (said the New York Daily News at the time) was previously denied a license renewal under Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles policy that does not permit hats or head coverings except for religious reasons.

"They were kind of laughing at me," Miller told the Boston Globe. 

"I thought of other religions and women and thought that this was not fair. I thought, 'Just because you haven't heard of this belief system, [the RMV] should not be denying me a license," she said. 

"The fact that many see this is as a satirical religion doesn't change the fact that by any standard one can come up with our religion is as legitimate as any other. And *that* is the point,” according to a posting on the church’s web site.

So you want to join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster yourself and become a Pastafarian? Well, you can start with the entertaining and informative WikiHow article How to Become a Pastafarian.

Or you can visit the Church's website and view this entertaining and informative video:

And many years ago, Rachel Maddow (no surprise, there) also covered the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in this video:

Which includes the following explanation:

The Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe, much as it is today, but for reasons unknown made it appear that the universe is billions of years old (instead of thousands) and that life evolved into its current state (rather than created in its current form). 

Whenever a scientist carbon-dates an object, The Flying Spaghetti Monster is there to change the results with his noodly appendage, so only the TRUE BELIEVERS understand the truth. 

May you too be touched by His noodly appendage and be blessed. 

RAMEN.

Now you may ask -  

What has this got to do with The Jews?

And the answer, Abq Jew claims, is - nothing, very little, or, as we used to say in yeshiva, not much. And that's the way it should be. 

But all of a sudden, everyone's talking about The Ten Commandments. No, not the 1956 Cecile B DeMille movie starring Moses (see photo above) as Charlton Heston. But rather HB71, the new law in

The State of Louisiana?

A Trebuchet Is

Not A Catapult: You can tell the difference by the sound it makes when it is fired: Whoosh. A catapult, on the other hand, goes Boing.

The website TimeRef.com offers a more complete description.

The trebuchet was a wooden siege engine designed to destroy castle walls by throwing large rocks at them. 

The engine was constructed using a sturdy base, a long throwing arm and a bucket to hold weights. The projectile was connected by a rope to the end of the throwing arm while the bucket at the other end of the arm was filled with a heavy material. 

The arm was winched down lifting the bucket into the air and secured in place while the projectile was attached. The projectile rested on a flat piece of wood. The projectile was connected to the arm and the firing mechanism released. 

The weight of the bucket brought the other end of the arm down and sent the projectile flying into the air. At the top of the arc the projectile was released and sent speeding to hit the castle wall. 

The direction of the projectile could be controlled by moving it left and right on the board. 

The distance could be controlled by altering the shape of the release pin on the end of the arm, the amount of weight in the bucket or the weight of the projectile itself.

Trebuchets came in many shapes and sizes, some having wheels so they could be moved around the siege landscape. 

Trebuchets were built as kits that could be assembled and disassembled and transported in sections to where they were needed. All the pieces slotted together and were fixed with wooden or metal pegs.

Rocks were not the only things that were thrown by trebuchets. 

• It was common to throw urns filled with flammable material into the castle where many of the buildings were made of wood. The urn had a lit fuse that would have ignited the material when the urn broke. 
• Dead animals were another type of projectile thrown into castles. Animals that were diseased were preferred as they could spread disease if they landed in the castle's water source.

Being constructed of wood made trebuchets vunerable to attack by fire and had to be protected from this danger.

Now, if you're a former engineer like Abq Jew - first of all, his condolences. Life in the high-technology mines of Silicon Valley, TPC (The Phone Company), and Big Pharma, Abq Jew recalls, was nothing - absolutely nothing - like Workin' In the Coal Mine. Or like Workin' On a Chain Gang.

One of the perpetual residual effects of an engineering career, it appears, is a fascination with, you should certainly not excuse the expression in our current anti-science climate ... 

The Way Things Work

Which fascination is more than shared, Abq Jew is happy to report, by the Israel Defense Forces and (see January's Building The Iron Beam) the entire robust Israeli defense industry. 

In fact, NBC News (et al) reports:

Israeli troops use medieval-style trebuchet weapon in fighting at Lebanon border

A trebuchet is a medieval siege weapon made of wood with a long arm that, when released, catapults a projectile — in this case, a fireball — at its target.

TEL AVIV — Israeli troops stationed on the Lebanese border fired a medieval-style siege weapon known as a trebuchet amid recent fighting against Hezbollah militants, an Israeli military official confirmed to NBC News.  

Video of the weapon hurling a fireball emerged Thursday, sparking equal measures of confusion and amusement in Israel, even as Israeli troops and Hezbollah were locked in some of the most intense fighting of the war. 

The six-second video shows Israeli troops looking on as the trebuchet — which largely disappeared from the battlefield in the 15th century — fires a flaming projectile over a fortified wall. One soldier is seen holding a fire extinguisher in case something were to go awry.  

An Israeli military official, speaking on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly, said the weapon is not part of the IDF’s standard arsenal and is believed to have been built by reservist soldiers stationed on the border.  

The People’s Commencement

At Columbia: It’s 1968 all over again, as New York Ivy Leaguers flip the script and stage an unofficial counter-graduation ceremony at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine.

Illustration by João Fazenda

Thus begins Andrew Marantz's On Campus article in the June 3, 2024 issue of The New Yorker. As a graduate of the Jewish Theological Seminary of America, Abq Jew finds this article very upsetting.

And rather than attempt to summarize it, Abq Jew here presents to you, his loyal readers, the whole thing - in complete violation of an entire plethora of US copyright laws, UN resolutions, and international conventions. 

Please, copyright lawyers, consider this fair use - or even a free promotion! And stay tuned for a (brief) discussion at the end.

On Campus

The People’s Commencement at Columbia

It’s 1968 all over again, as New York Ivy Leaguers flip the script
and stage an unofficial counter-graduation ceremony
at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine.

By Andrew Marantz
May 25, 2024

In the spring of 1968, after a series of antiwar demonstrations and a police raid on Columbia’s campus, protesters ended the semester with a “counter-commencement.” “while columbia dances its obscene ceremony,” a flyer read, “we will open a liberation school for all people.” 

At the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, the historian Richard Hofstadter gave the official commencement address; hundreds of students walked out in protest and marched a few blocks north to an alternative graduation ceremony, where the writer Dwight Macdonald and others delivered remarks on the library steps. 

“While I find your strike and your sit-ins productive, I don’t think these tactics can be used indefinitely without doing more damage than good to the university,” Macdonald said.

This spring, during another series of antiwar demonstrations and student arrests at Columbia, a group of sympathetic faculty and staff organized another counter-commencement. 

“We looked through the historical archives for inspiration,” Manu Karuka, a professor of American studies at Barnard, said. “We even used a font reminiscent of the ’68 program.” 

The 2024 program featured a drawing of a red poppy, a symbol of Palestinian resistance, above the words “The People’s Graduation: A Gathering for Peace and Justice.” 

A supplementary handout included a list of Barnard’s “distrustees,” along with top Columbia administrators and their e-mail addresses, and an acknowledgment in fine print: “This shitshow would not have been possible without these cruel and incompetent people.”

The locations were flipped this year. The counter-commencement was held at St. John the Divine, whose clergy had offered it to the university community as a sanctuary. (Columbia’s main graduation was supposed to take place in the middle of campus, until, at the last minute, it was cancelled.) 

Ilan Cohen, who was graduating with a dual degree from Columbia and the Jewish Theological Seminary, started the day at a small J.T.S. ceremony, where attendees sang both the American and the Israeli national anthems and Wolf Blitzer gave the commencement speech (“You stand at a crossroads in American history, and Jewish history”). 

Afterward, Cohen, who had participated in the student encampment, walked briskly toward the cathedral, wearing a robin’s-egg-blue robe and a beet-red yarmulke. He carried three pins—“Columbia Jews for Ceasefire,” “JTS Jews for Ceasefire,” and “Not in My Name”—and deliberated over which to wear. “No pins, I’m sorry,” a volunteer usher said. “Church rules.” The rules failed to prevent posters, banners, or slogans on mortarboards (“Free Palestine”; “Student Intifada”; “Glory to the Class of 2024 of Gaza”). 

Someone handed Cohen a parody newspaper called the New York War Crimes—the “Nakba Day Edition” (“All the Consent That’s Fit to Manufacture”). As Cohen looked for a seat, he ran into Frank Guridy, a history professor with whom he had taken a course called Columbia 1968. They posed for a photo, and Guridy asked about Cohen’s plans. “Haven’t had a second to think about it,” he said.

The actress and comedian Amanda Seales, a Columbia alum, was the m.c. “Today, in the spirit of 1968, we gather in what gentrifiers call Morningside Heights but the real ones know is Harlem,” she began. A full cathedral—a few dozen faculty and special guests onstage, a few hundred students in the pews—cheered. 

Seales introduced Randa Jarrar, a Palestinian American writer and activist. “In 1799, Napoleon invaded Palestine,” Jarrar said, then led the audience in a chant: “We defeated Napoleon!” “We are defeating Israel!” “We defeated Columbia!” “We are dismantling this empire!” 

A Palestinian American poet named Fady Joudah read a poem called “Dedication,” fighting back tears; Noura Erakat, a human-rights lawyer, told the students, “You have taught us well—in your sacrifice, in your courage, in your ingenuity.” A few backpack-wearing cathedral tourists took photos in chastened silence, then quickly left.

To close out the ceremony, Seales introduced a band called the Liberated Zone, “a ragtag collective of musically inclined radicals, scholars, and truthtellers who met while jamming at the Gaza Solidarity Encampment.” 

Six musicians, half of them barefoot, performed a two-chord folk song based on a verse from the Book of Ruth. Then the grads marched out, applauded by faculty waiting on the steps. Clumps of students stood chatting about summer plans and upcoming disciplinary hearings, or breaking into brief chants (“Disclose! Divest! We will not stop, we will not rest”). 

A Barnard professor invited Cohen to join her protest singing group, Voices of Witness. Cohen had been part of a “pluralistic Jewish a-cappella group,” he said, “and this was the year we really had to figure out what pluralism meant.”

“How’d that go?” the professor asked.

“Well,” Cohen said, “we just had to appoint two students to be mediators next year, if that gives you an idea.” ♦

Abq Jew sadly admits he doesn't have
the foggiest idea how that is gonna work.

Not to pick on Ilan Cohen - it's not just him! -
but you would think that Jewish day school learning,
an Ivy League education, plus studies at JTS
would add up to more than this.
But you'd be wrong.

Even (Especially?) after the hostages' rescue on Shabbat,
the American Jewish community has been soundly
kicked under the bus. It's not just that many of our
former friends, colleagues, and allies have abandoned us -
they've actively turned against us and joined
with those who seek our destruction. 

Yes, our Jewish history offers parallels to what is happening
all around us. But we've just celebrated Shavuot.
Let's try to stay happy.